Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Mighty Tweed

Is there, for the geek, any form of introspection more elusive than satisfactorily choosing what your super-powers would be? Sure, everyone wants the deluxe all-inclusive Superman package, but then you become just another hyperbolic everyman. But get too specifically self-referential, and you end up with joke powers like "Cosmic Procrastination."

I think I've come up with a nice, elegant suite of powers that would be fun to have, and not entirely useless if I somehow stumbled across, say, an invasion of Lava Monsters.

Whatever super-powers I had, I'd eschew spandex for a nice green tweed suit.

Now, to the powers:

Flight, obviously. The sine qua non of super-powers, right? You don't want to have to ask Hawkman to carry you off by your armpits every time the Justice League takes off, right?

Forcefield, because I'm a coward. I'm not one to grit my teeth and mutter, "Legs... broken. Lungs... mangled. Kidneys... shredded. Must... keep... fighting!" Also, I assume the forcefield keeps me comfortable in all environments, otherwise my wool-clad self would risk heat stroke the first time I responded to an emergency in July.

Infinite Pockets. Not a flashy power, but incredibly useful both on adventures and in day-to-day life. Imagine having absolutely anything you ever had the foresight to shove in your pocket, immediately available! I don't imagine these as TARDIS pockets—that is, pockets of infinite interior dimension—so much as quantum-cloud translators. Anything placed in the pocket becomes an uncollapsed quantum wavefront, a potential object waiting for me to put my hand in my pocket and bring it back into concrete Newtonian reality. This has the handy side effect of preserving the objects in their original state. So, if I put a straight-from-the-oven apple pie in my pocket, and pull it out ten years later, it'd still be piping hot and fresh.

I'm undecided if I can claim that this power also includes being able to recall all the things I've ever put in the pockets, or if I'd have to keep detailed records of the millions of objects I stashed away.

(Also, I have no interest in being told how poorly I'm treating quantum theory. If radioactive spider-bites don't cause cancer, then quantum theory can give me infinite pockets.)

So, there you have it: I AM THE MIGHTY TWEED!


Chris Roberson said...

I would *totally* read the ongoing adventures of the Mighty Tweed.

Spotydog said...

Yes, but what would YOU be fighting for or against...?

Adam said...

This is, of course, fabulous.

Just don't put those pants through the regular wash...I think we've all seen what havoc a mere gum wrapper can wreak.

michelle said...

I would like a set of those pockets, please.
Though with that power you might be better off as a solitary hero, if on a team I imagine you would end up as everyone's pack mule, which could get kind of annoying.

Stephanie Han Windham said...

Awesome, esp the infinite pockets. Believe me, I wouldn't carry around a purse if I didn't have to!

Ash Bertocci said...

I'm all for a temperature-controlling force field, I have to add that to my supervillian powers checklist. So that the fancy costumes don't get too hot. Or one's hairdo doesn't get mussed..

Very cool, as always.

f is for Fer; he failed to floss said...

Fighting...? The Mighty Tweed has straight-from-the-oven apple pie in his pocket. He cares not for fighting.

Don't start none, won't be none.